In my monthly check in post last week, I said a couple times that I was proud of myself. I’ve been thinking about that word a lot since then and I wanted to clarify what I mean.
I am proud of myself
that I am making my health a priority
that I am tracking my food even when it’s a donut
that I am working through my food anxieties and developing a healthy relationship with food
My self worth does NOT depend on
the number on the scale
if I go over/under my macros or calories
if I am “skinny”
if I have muscles or loose skin
if I run a super fast mile/marathon
I have good days and bad days. “Healthy” meals and “cheat” meals. Times where all I want is to eat an entire sheet cake and days when I can step back and look at the big picture and drag my butt off to the gym.
I haven’t had a sip of diet coke for one thousand days. This may not seem like that big a deal to you, but it’s crazy to me. I used to be addicted. I didn’t even realize how addicted I was until I told myself to quit drinking diet coke and found it very hard to stop! I wouldn’t bat an eye at having 4 cans a day. (and no water at all of course.)
I finally managed to kick the habit that doesn’t mean I still don’t think about it! Alllll this time later and I still think about it. It’s normally when I see someone with a dt. coke and I think about how I used to be. I cannot believe it was 1,000 days ago. It was a real struggle to tell myself not to drink one. I would literally have to tell myself no. One time a waiter confused me with my sister and put her soda in front of me and I was only half joking when I told both of them to “get that away from me.” Even now, the times that it pops into my head a little part of me thinks, “just one after all this time wouldn’t be so bad.” Addict.
I think some people think you can’t be so addicted to DC or some people might think this is silly but it’s something I honestly have to deal with as part of my weight/health journey. 1000 days…
I was overweight for a long time. There are psychological affects that linger when you’re constantly scanning and finding you’re the biggest girl in the room. I’ve had an unhealthy relationship with food for so long; it got better when I finally took control and lost the weight but there are some old habits I’ve found myself falling back on.
Just recently I’ve decided to address some of these issues head on. One of them is my binge eating.I don’t think it would surprise anyone to learn that a girl who was almost 200lbs would binge but even 40 lbs lighter, I still have these episodes. I am not 100% comfortable getting into specifics but it’s something that’s there in my life and something I have to deal with. Like that HIMYM episode about baggage. Well my carry on reads “binge eater.”
I was talking to someone recently who understand what I’m going through and he suggested this exercise to me. He told me to eat one donut and my response was, “I’ve never eaten just one donut.” Here’s what I did:
After work, a time when I’m tired and my cravings for junk are in full force, I went to my favorite donut place, Bosa. Donuts are a huge “trigger food” for me. I told myself I was going to buy one and only one donut, so when I went in I chose very carefully. I wasn’t allowing myself to have alllll the flavors so I had to pick a good one. I went with the kind with peanuts on top!
Then I ate it there. I didn’t eat in the car. I didn’t eat it at home in secret. I ate it out in the open because what I was doing was okay. It wasn’t shameful. And I savored every bite. I didn’t watch TV or listen to a podcast. I didn’t go on FB or IG. I paid attention to what I was eating.
And I told myself what I was doing was a good thing! I repeated it in my head. It didn’t matter how many calories, grams of fat, grams of sugar this food had. I wasn’t “ruining” or “cheating” on my diet. I wasn’t a failure for giving into temptation or going off the rails. I was 100% in control. And it felt really good.
When I was around ohhh 13? my grandmother gave me a Chrsitmas T-shirt that I have worn every year since! If I’m right about my age, it’s been 16 years. There’s a hole in it. I don’t care. Especially since my grandma passed, it’s priceless to me. I hope to wear it for the next 50 years.
I of course, am wearing it today! I didn’t think much of it except that it’s my Christmas shirt. Then I stumbled (really I didn’t even remember this picture existing!) of me wearing this shirt 4 years ago!
All I can say is, Woahhhhhh. I can’t get over my face. It looks swollen!
I came to work today and partook in all the Christmas treats. Cookies, popcorn, fudge. I didn’t even try and say no. I happily ate what I wanted. And to be honest, my pants are getting tight! I know I’ve gained some weight since my smallest but this picture really put it in perspective for me. I never ever ever want to get back there.
This was me today. (Sorry for the lighting. The bathroom lights are ridiculous.) These 2 girls barely even look related! It kinda looks like I’m pulling at my shirt but really I’m trying to show you how much extra room is there. A LOT of work went down in these 4 year interim between these two pictures. Work I am damn proud of!!
Halloween has always been a pretty big day for me. I love this time of year and Halloween and Thanksgiving are my favorite holidays. As a kid, of course I loved the candy and trick or treating. I’ve always loved getting dressed up and chose my costumes with some intent!
In 2007, (WOW that sounds like forever ago!) I met my now ex boyfriend on Halloween, while dressed as Boo from Monster’s Inc ;). We dated for 3 years. When we broke up, Halloween lost a little bit of the magic as it was now an anniversary of something that stung just a little.
But I moved on. And last year, 2015, I made my then boyfriend do the Haunted 5K with me. My love, my fav sport and my fav holiday all bundled together for a great day. Oh and I was dressed as my fav animal- a shark, and he was a shark bite victim.
We broke up 8 days later…
So this year, I’m in a weird head space. I went back and forth for a long time on whether I wanted to do the Haunted 5K again (this time alone) and then found out it was a virtual run only and I felt like I was off the hook.
My life today is not what I expected it to be this time last year. But here I am, trying to make the most with what I’ve got. I live a very blessed life; I am fully aware of that. But it’s just not where I thought I would be at 29. I’m not sure any of this is health/running related other than I did a 5K a year ago! Part of me wishes, I could do it again this year to kind of wash that man right out of my running/Halloween hair. But there is still the virtual race. Should I do it?
If anyone asks me my favorite Broadway play (which since that’s basically all I listen to, I actually do get asked pretty regularly) I always answer Aida. It’s beautiful and so beyond sad I can hardly even listen to it! But there is a line Aida sings to Radames that I think about a lot.
“If you don’t like your fate, change it. You are your own master, there are no shackles on you. So don’t expect any pity or understanding from this humble palace slave.”
There is still a special place in my heart for Halloween but the walls are a bit cracked.
Luckily, Thanksgiving holds no ghosts of boyfriends past memories for me and I’m all signed up to do the turkey trot!!